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13 March 2005

The Answerman Doesn't Cometh


T

he Answerman called last night... he decided to take the whole day off in order to attend the infamous St. Patty's Day Parade in downtown Mollytown. I don't get the opportunity to attend such events, however from what I've heard this parade rivals the Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans. But because he is dedicated he did phone in a few Irish jokes from the Mollytown Bar & Grille, operated by Emma Pickens-Pickens, former wife of both Orville "Slim" Pickens and then his brother "Fatty" Pickens.!...

Between sloshing green beer, he started his first story:

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer goodnessakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"

Monique from Monique's Home House Calls, Stucco Sidings and Mollytown Mall wanted in on the joke tellin' but we had to wait a few seconds until she got off the floor "Hey Dennybabe, tough week huh? You need to drive out here for some rest and relaxation honey. Anyway I got a cute one for ya": An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya little bastard! Spit it out!"

I heard the phone drop a few times then A.H. Johnson - Owner of Johnson's Party Favors & All Night BBQ. And also a distant descendant of Pharoah al Hassad Johnson, alleged inventor of the condom took over and slurred this one: An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Not to be outdone, Harvey "Digger" Graves, Jr. who owns and operates Graves Funeral Home and Used Jewlery Store on Mollytown Blvd jumped in with: "In a drunken stupor, Ole McSweeny staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no toilet paper on this side either."


Burning Questions and Random Thoughts

Well that's pretty much it for today. Answerman said he might call in later and answer questions... but to be honest gang, I would trust anything he would be saying by then. If you're going out to any of the St. Patty's Day parades today remember, please drink and crawl responsibly!

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