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24 March 2005

Which Magazine Subscription Would You Like?


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uccumbing to the advertisement on TV, I called this outfit that sells a popular weight loss pill. Yes, a miracle in a bottle. And because I was calling I was also entitled to a second bottle of pills free. Wow! I was going to be skinnier than Twiggy! I should have hung the phone up when the girl from the company tried to sell me a magazine subscription. I politely said "no" but did that stop her? Nope... she moved right on to "Flowers a Month" whereby I would receive a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers every month to adorn my table. I couldn't take it anymore and said: "excuse me miss, I only want my fat pills, no magazines, no flowers...nothing."

I finally got her off the phone. Now I just had to wait for my package to arrive and within a month I would be a real hunk.

My miracle drug arrived... kinda big package for just two bottles. I opened it and there were 4 bottles. It seems I somehow enrolled in their weight loss, magazine and flowers club. Inside were my 2 FREE bottles plus my first order of 2 bottles and I only had to pay for the other 2 bottles which came to $127.50! I browsed through the book where it had instructions. Also there was a diet to follow... It was a starvation diet plan... of course I would lose weight. Plus as a bonus I got an excercise pamphlet. Geez, if I wanted to exercise and diet I would. I wanted my miracle drug where I could still eat a cheeseburger, pop a pill and it would vanish! I couldn't get to the phone fast enough. I dialed the number and selected option: Do you have a problem? I sat there for what seemed to be an hour before some teenage sounding girl got on. I told her I needed to return everything and I didn't want to be involved anymore. I lied and said my doctor strongly advised against taking these pills. "ok", she said... took all my information and where to return the pills. But before she hung up she asked me if I was interested in room deodorizers. I hung up. It cost me $5.87 at the post office to return my magic pills.

As an aside.. every morning I have a toasted bagel with butter. The day before I saw this show that claims one bagel is equal to 10 slices of bread! Ack! On the days I go to the bagel shop I buy 4. Since they are SO fresh and SO warm. I eat 2. Maybe I'll do better with weight if I cut down a little on bagels, huh? Hey, if anyone has a bridge in Brooklyn to sell, I might be interested!

Burning Questions and Random Thoughts

Have you ever ordered anything from TV only to find out you were taken? How about over the phone? Now come on, someone has to be a boob like me...

The 100 Things Countdown Continues

Continuing with my list:
70. I have 27 statues in my apartment, ranging from mayan good luck gods/statues to Roman statues, to small busts of Washington, Jefferson and Franklin to Egyptian artifacts.
69. I think I snore, or so my 2 ex-wives have complained non-chalantly mentioned casually mentioned in passing.
68. I go barefoot all the time, except when I go to the store. If I moved to an Indian Reservation would I have to wear shoes to the store?

If you really want to see my uptodate 100 Things.

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