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31 December 2005

Happy 2006!...

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appy New Year to all and I want to especially thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your e-mails over the past 12 months.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me that one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper because the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer accept packages from UPS or FedEx, as they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer own a car, I sold it when I found that there will always someone leaving notes on it or waiting in the back seat to kill me. I now know that Oil Companies will lower their prices if we all boycott gasoline for a day.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me. I'd like to return the favor, so you can just cut, paste and send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes. If you don't, your phone will ring at exactly 11:00 PM (EDT), informing you of a large dove with diarrhea that will land on your head tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician who is a Lawyer working at a Police Station somewhere.


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