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23 November 2006

LEFTOVERS


N

othing like a nice leftover from Thanksgiving. Here's a few that I came across and couldn't pass up!

A woman who got it into her head that a fresh turkey produced a far superior meal to a frozen one made a trek out to a turkey farm to buy a live bird. But after returning home and looking square into the eyes of the living, breathing creature she'd just purchased, she just couldn't bring herself to kill it by wringing its neck or chopping off its head. Instead, she managed to put the turkey to sleep with chloroform and then began the process of dry-plucking it. Just as she finished removing the last of the feathers, however, the bird woke up.

The next-door neighbors responded to her shouts and arrived at her back door to find a woman being chased around her kitchen by an angry, naked turkey.

**********

Last year at Christmastime, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically. It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yes, my sister is a BLONDE.

*******

A young woman is preparing her first thanksgiving dinner. As she gets everything ready for Thanksgiving day, she very sternly reminds herself to let the turkey finish thawing in the sink overnight. She puts it in and places the dishrack over the top of the bird. Her husband walks into the kitchen and sees this.

"Why are you doing that?" he asks.

"My mom always did that to help the turkey thaw," she told him.

The next day Mom calls to see how everything is going.

"Fine, Ma. I have everything ready to go in the oven. I even remembered to put the rack over the turkey last night."

This seemed to confuse her mother a bit. "What are you talking about?" she asked.

"Oh, I remember you always put the dish rack over the turkey when it was thawing in the sink," she said.

There was a pause on the end of the line. "Yes, but honey, we had cats!"

*********
And finally...

In this respect, they are as bad as "this old boy down home." His wife sent him to the store for a ham. After he bought it, she asked him why he didn't have the butcher cut off the end of the ham. "This old boy" asked his wife why she wanted the end cut off. She replied that her mother had always done it that way and that was reason enough for her. Since the wife's mother was visiting, they asked her why she always cut off the end of the ham. Mother replied that this was the way her mother did it; Mother, daughter and "this old boy" then decided to call grandmother and solve this three-generation mystery. Grandmother promptly replied that she cut the end of the ham because her roaster was too small to cook it in one piece.

Observations and Questions
How did your day go yesterday?

Birth Announcements and Dusty Death Notices
Born this date in 1864 Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec France, painter (At the Moulin Rouge). And in the death notices in 1963 Lee Harvey Oswald JFK's assassinator shot dead by Jack Ruby.

Holidays and Special Dates Today Around the World
Zaire: New Regime Anniversary
1703 1st Lutheran pastor ordained in America, Justus Falckner at Philadelphia
1963 1st live murder on TV-Jack Ruby shoots Lee Harvey Oswald
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